A letter to You.

Hey, You.


Yes, you.

I'm writing these words right to the person on the other side of the screen. The person being you. You are most likely one of my Friends. Maybe you think you know everything about me. Maybe you really do know me well. It's possible we've talked a lot since we met and created something really beautiful between us.



Or maybe you know just a little bit about Zel… you got to meet me a month, a week, a few hours ago. Maybe you don't know me at all. You simply clicked that "Watch" button on my page one day and now this text appeared in your messages.
No matter if you keep reading this being followed by pure curiosity, a kind of friend-duty or just to pass the time, I want to tell you something. Something about me.



I fail. I fail in many things, on many days, in many ways. When I wake up, I fail. When I'm trying to fall asleep, my mind is filled with fail. It's just the way I am, as far from flawless as it's only possible.

I'm afraid of many things. Loosing people I care about, ruining my future, disappointing my family and, probably the worst of all of my fears, disappointing myself.

I fail at my everyday life. I procrastinate. I could do so much more and better but I don't. I'm lazy, tired, sometimes lacking of motivation. I hurt the people around me, sometimes unconsciously, sometimes on purpose.

Even here on dA, I sometimes fail. I don't find enough strength to give back for the random acts of kindness the way I should. I don't give your Art, journals and you the deserved attention. I'm terribly slow with my promises, even though I always finally fulfill them. The fact you're still all so patient with me never fails to amaze me.

When I ask, you say, that what you love about my character the most is my positive thinking and liveliness. It always makes me happy… but also, gives me a kind of a weird feeling inside.

I think too much and too much about the crap. I let my feelings and thoughts destroy me, mentally and physically. I usually expect the worst, because I'm too weak for optimism. I go to sleep being afraid of waking up. I feel lost and totally terrified.
Why am I informing you about all of these crappy things about me?

Just, from the very beginning I want to point out that I'm not writing this from a perspective of an so-called advisor. A person who is able to deal with everything better than others and it doesn't even take as much effort…

Many of you say that you cannot find joy in anything anymore. That your life is not as exciting as you expect, not as interesting in any aspect. And many of you say, that I live such a wonderful life, filled with fabulous and magical events…

In my journals…and basically, every day I spend on this planet, I always try to concentrate on the littlest lovely things.  I look for magic, like a little kid. Sometimes to the point of being silly.  I turn completely ordinary happenings into something special and memorable.

I don't know, I really don't know if that's good. Probably I should go back down to the Earth at times and have a more realistic look at the events in my life. I do know it helps me to live, though. It keeps my hope in a decent condition. That's why I'm not going to stop.

Many of you complain about feeling lonely.

I do not have that many friends here at my place. I find it hard to trust people at my age and in their eyes I'm someone completely unsuited to their standards. I'm not a popular person. Most of the people treat me like something they should keep away from, because of my unusual behavior, beliefs and interests. I can't say that I completly don't care about it… if I said that don't need others' acceptance, I'd lie. But I was lucky enough to meet some very few human beings I can trust here. I'm trying to enjoy every moment of their company as much as I can realizing the fact it may not last forever. When I graduate this year and start my education at the senior high school, I'm going to be alone. It will take months, if not more, till I find a little group I can suit in. If I find it at all. How far is it from the image of me you have in your head?

Many of you, my friends, complain about not having a girlfriend/boyfriend.

Indeed, romantic love is beautiful. Insanely beautiful.

It is also coming along/going together with very intense, sometimes delightful, sometimes painful feelings. It's hard to tame them. Usually this kind of love outshines all the other kinds, especially at the initial stage. And again, I'm not saying these words as someone completely distanced and not affected by that affair. I'm saying these words being fully aware of my own weakness when it comes to everything I'm talking about.

Feelings tend to fade away. They may not, if we take a good care of them, but they're definitely something unstable. I let my feelings overwhelm me too much. That's why I'm the most unstable person ever. Forever swinging from one mood to the other…

Love, itself, is not a feeling. In my opinion, it's not. It's a decision, at times very hard, going together with changes, actions and commitments. I don't know you well… I still don't know much about this whole world we all live in. But I do know, that feelings going alone will never give me a true fulfillment.


I love you.


I hear that phrase pretty often. But if you only knew, how hard it is for me to actually believe it…. There are such times when I'm so disappointed with myself, that I can't even see the reasons why someone would decide to love me. Who knows, maybe they really don't exist. It's not really important in that case… the important thing in that case is that at those moments I forget maybe there aren't any reasons needed…

I desperately want to be loved but, at the same time, I don't want to let others love me. I feel that's not right. Why?

I fail, my darlings. I'm so full of terrible contradictions.

Many of you complain about the way they look. I do have complexes, a lot of them. They used to be way worse than now but they still are in my head, I cannot deny that. Their intensity usually depends on my current mood and state of my mind. But hey, what are actually complexes? They're the negative feelings towards ourselves. Feelings. They appear again.
They may be a curse or a blessing. Or both at the same time. I don't think there is anyone fully able to control them. And we cannot do anything about the fact, they're an inseparable part of our beings. I will keep trying to deal with them, probably with a bit failed effect, but I will.

I'm sure that many of you will find something they can relate to in this journal.. in fact, there's nothing really unusual about it. After all, we are all the same human kind living on the same planet.

We were all born and we'll end up in the same way.

But why so many of us want to skip that important part in between?



That important part of living…?




You all have done so much to me. If only I had enough strength, abilities and, what I'm lacking the most of, time, I'd spend all of it getting to know your wonderful beings. If I wasn't lucky enough to have met you, I would be a completely different person.

I owe you all so much. There are countless things that people notice in me: my very natural way of communicating in English, my unusual knowledge about people and places all over the world…

I always smile when they do. I always think of you all then. That is the visible part.


Yet the most wonderful sign of your presence you've left inside of me. You lessen my fears, you take my worries away. You make me look forward to something.

If not your support in my life, I'd be so much weaker and devastated. I wouldn't be able to take advantage of the bad happening in my life and enjoy the good the way I do. Who knows, maybe I wouldn't be even alive today?

If you want to talk, share something, vent out your feelings or just let me know about your presence, send me a note. Even if we don't know each other at all. Everyone needs the other friendly human beings' presence to some extent. For some people, that need is more visible, some are even a bit afraid or ashamed of feeling it. But at a hard period in my life (which lasts to this day) I realized how important it is to have that someone.

I want each of you feel that you're special to me. And each of you in a special way. You're not just a group of kind, supporting and lovely people from all over the world to me. You are amazing individuals gathered together at one place. I have learnt something from each of you. Yes, from you, too!  Older or younger, closer or further… numbers have stopped to matter when I joined this place. Every one of my friends here have brought something great and special into my life. And loosing A N Y of you would be a great tragedy for me.

After all, I'm just a 15-year-old Polish girl. Maybe I will cry tonight, maybe tomorrow's evening everything, including this journal, will not make any sense to me. But if only that means something to you, I want you to know that I love you.



Just the way you are.

Zel